The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Yep.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…