I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again