‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.