ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
You Might Also Like
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Close call…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Can. I. Help. You.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*