My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
So that’s what we looked like?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
the icebreaker
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.