HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
😏😏😏
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Fidel Castro was alive?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?