I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Sooo many times…..
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle