Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]