😂😂
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
There’s only one good girl here!
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
This could be us but you eatin’
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”