“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman