Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
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I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*puts words between two asterisks*
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Perfect
This is I, Robot all over again
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix