Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
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If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
BaD BoY!!
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.