Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him