[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!