“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Wait for it
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.