wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.