Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Inside you there are two wolves
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower