[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business