did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
You Might Also Like
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.