Current mood: Potato
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Shoo shoo! đ
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Never thought Iâd be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: itâs literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: itâs perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Letâs find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
The Bachelor is like âMeet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madisonâ
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like âi love my short hair omg itâs so shortâ
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
#KarenAndTheCat đ
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage đđ
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Every kid in my second graderâs class is assigned a âjobâ each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is âtech supportâ because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didnât even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
No one lies to themself more than the person that says theyâll do the dishes after they ârelax for a little bitâ.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldnât even get a babysitter.
HOW DARE YOU