Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Don’t make me out nice you.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
✌🏽
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.