I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Best seat on the street 😍
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
S/o to @funTweeters .
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**