me after drinking all the wine:
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
#Caturday
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea