My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
i choose….tongue
my retirement plan is braless
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.