blocked.
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
December birthdays be like…
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.