why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
me irl
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
What flavor cupcake are these
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid