Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.