911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker