My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold