If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…