FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Friends that check up on you >
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Well, that should do it
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”