friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.