Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My birthstone is kidney
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire