My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS