ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
This is amazing.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”