Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature