Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Always 🥴
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?