[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.