Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The Assassin.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes