My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
🤣🤣🤣
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.