[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.