[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”