Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Scream sneezers need love too.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”