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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
spot the difference
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Muppet Screams
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Wake me when AI does housework
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd