Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
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If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
is it earth
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My circle of trust is a meatball
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead