*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
You Might Also Like
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.