When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You Might Also Like
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”