Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m sure it’s fine.