Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me adding lol on a serious message
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.