So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂